An old man was arrested at the airport last week. His crime? He had been asked by security to remove his shoes and he replied, “Why? I’m not a Muslim.” The security guard called the police who turned up in force and plonked down heavily upon the non-Muslim. After several hours questioning, taking mouth swabs and general disdain, they offered him a caution which the man refused, electing for trial. His defence will no doubt be that, since nearly all recent terrorist attacks featuring aeroplanes were perpetrated by Muslims, it was highly unlikely that this non-Muslim posed any threat.

Indeed the police were doing their job properly. It would be quite wrong and, my goodness! “racist” to arrest only Muslims on suspicion of conspiracy to mount a terrorist attack. I have been doing some intensive undercover research of my own and I have come up with some alarming discoveries…

There is a sect in every town in Britain known as “Methodists.” Its members, while trying to pass themselves off innocently enough as a “church,” are potentially more dangerous than any Muslim fanatic. Like the devotees of Islam, they are teetotal – always a sure sign that something is wrong. Also, as with Muslims, they have a strange attitude towards their womenfolk. The so called “chapel deacons” make the women put on funny hats and sit at the front of the “chapel” on a balcony where they are formed into something called a “choir” which lets out fearful noises throughout the strange rituals  performed morning and evening every Sunday. At each of these supposed “services” the same deacons go round the “chapel” collecting money to finance the Methodist jihadists.

The women also meet during the week – it might be a Tuesday afternoon or a Wednesday evening – in a place known as the “schoolroom,” which is clearly some form of terrorist training camp. This secret military planning session is code-named “The Women’s Bright Hour.” Dastardly terrorist plots are being hatched even as we speak under cover of tea and biscuits, or perhaps even a piece of cake. And deadly poisons are manufactured and packed into jars labelled “marmalade” and “jam.”

Camouflage clothing for the Methodist mujahadeen is collected and allocated at a secret gathering known as the “jumble sale.”

On Saturday nights there is an event for the hard core jihadists known as a “Social.” This is a sensual, quasi-orgiastic occasion featuring a lewd performance known as “musical chairs.” While the pianist plays, men and women cavort and scramble to sit on one another’s knees. Shrill, almost demonic, laughter is frequently heard.

Don’t be misled by the innocuous appearances.  Some of these Methodists are so extreme in their fanaticism that they even refer to themselves as “Primitive.”

The Methodist children are indoctrinated and radicalised at events such as “the outing” and “the summer trip.”

And every year in the autumn, there is a terrifying primitive ceremony called “the harvest festival” when there is wild, banshee-like wailing of “hymns.” Ritual foods are presented and, following weird incantations by the “Minister” – who wears a white collar in the forlorn hope of passing himself off as a clergyman – these foods are distributed to injured jihadists in  the hospitals.

That old man arrested at the airport was no Muslim – but did the police check him for Methodism?