I haven’s been blogging this year so far because I’m trying to write a humorous book about the great philosophers, but recent events have encouraged me to open my blog again this morning.

All these terrorist atrocities in so many countries: it’s time we asked who is responsible. I think it’s religious people. Take those murders in Paris last month: the security forces know damn well that these were perpetrated by  a lone wolf Primitive Methodist. The carnage in Libya? I’m afraid it’s those pesky Baptists again. Massacres in Nigeria? It’s those violent Lutherans. Beheadings in Syria? They’re all the fault of an extreme sect of the United Reform Church. Burning people alive in iraq? Look, this is obviously the work of the Salvation Army. And now the shocking murders in Copenhagen? I have it on good authority that these were carried out by a disaffected traditionalist in the Church of England who had for many years prior to 2012 been known to frequent St Michael’s Cornhill where he had been radicalised and gone on to receive training at a camp in Chipping Camden organised by the Prayer Book Society.

It is quite scandalous that these murderers on three continents are allowed to hide behind their religion. Our authorities are so hidebound by political correctness that they will not identify these vile people and root them out. I notice that the Archbishop of Canterbury has wearily trotted out the old lie: “These terrorists are not representative of Christianity which is a religion of peace and love.” If this is the case, Archbishop, why are all the perpetrators members of that faith?  Justin Welby adds, “These people are not Christians but Christianists.”

Respectfully, Archbishop, that’s rubbish

What is to be done? The General Synod, the Methodist Conference and the Baptist Union must act together and send special forces into bring and buy sales and coffee mornings and root out the culprits. They must be given no refuge – no, not even at beetle drives, coffee mornings and the Church Lads’ Brigade hut.