08 May

Has Ruth Davidson got a Willie?

Ruth Davidson, leader of the Conservative Party in Scotland, has so improved the standing of Scottish Tories that they have risen to surpass Labour and take second position to the SNP – their best performance since 1959.

It is being suggested that Ms Davidson is “the new Maggie.” And we know this is true, because it is the Daily Mail sez it.

Ms Davidson says that Tories should ditch the toff image and be more like John Major – more “ordinary” and more “normal.”

But David Cameron has described Ruth as “extraordinary.” So how ordinary and normal is she – for a Tory, I mean, or even for your ordinary-normal woman?

She is is a squat, beefy, serial lesbian with close-cropped hair, and certainly she is a person-of-many-parts:

Kick-boxer, soccer-player, bagpiper, ice hockey player with a penchant for the photo-opportunity – riding a tank, for example.

I’m not sure how many of these accomplishments were possessed by Margaret Thatcher. I can imagine Maggie riding a tank but not playing the bagpipes or doing her hair as Ms Davidson does hers. And if she had conducted a series of lesbian love-affairs, I’m sure the Daily Mail would have reported the fact – before Denis put a stop to such goings on.

Before you harrumph at comparisons between Ms Davidson and the Iron Lady, I have done some delving and discovered that Maggie did in fact conduct a secret life. In 1979 – the year she became prime minister, Margaret was the striker for Grantham Town FC and led them to be champions of the premier division of the Northern League.

Maggie did indeed aspire to play the bagpipes, until Denis was heard to exclaim, “Either that b****y pussycat goes, or I do.” So she settled for playing the sax at Ronnie Scott’s in Soho.

She might not have been a kick-boxer or an ice hockey player but for two seasons she was scrum half for Dewsbury Rugby League Club, before she transferred to Bradford Northern where she distinguished herself on the right wing.

Will Ms Davidson become leader of the Tory party, as the Daily Mail suggests? I must say, I have my doubts. For over many years, Margaret Thatcher received the strong support of William Whitelaw, which she famously acknowledged with the words, “Every prime minister needs a Willie!”

And I know for sure that Ms Davidson doesn’t have a Willie.